Nursery Rhymes
by Bert
Summary: Another warped idea. B/X


Title: Nursery Rhymes  
Author: Bert  
Rating: Nah  
Summary: er, better not  
   
   
"This had better be important" grumbled Dawn as she went to see who was pounding at her front door, "Anya?" Dawn asked when she saw who it was, "what're you doing here?"   
  
Anya smiled and barged past her into the living room carrying the large book, "Well since you didn't exactly have a childhood, and I most certainly didn't, I thought you might be interested"  
   
"In what?" Dawn looked at the book with interest, maybe it was spells, or demons or something she thought eagerly.  
   
Anya held the book up, "Nursery Rhymes, Xander gave me this book as a 'lets be friends and not turn me into a troll' gift after we broke up."  
   
"Oh, looks old" Dawns interest in the conversation plummeted and she returned to watching something much more interesting, i.e., the heavily muscled blokes wrestling semi-nakedly on the television.  
   
"It is... Look" called Anya excitedly, "Here's one, Little Miss Muffet, Sat on her tuffet, Eating her curds and whey, Along came a spider, Who sat down beside her..."    
   
"And frightened Miss Muffet away." Finished Dawn sarcastically, not even bothering to turn her eyes away from the wrestling action on the TV.  
   
"Oh, you've heard it before then" Anya sounded slightly disappointed, "well I'm sure there's one in here that you haven't" her eyes lit up at the thought of a challenge.  
   
   
   
Buffy yawned in boredom, the vampires seemed to be scarce this evening.  Not noticing anything out the ordinary she decided to take a break and sat down on the moss-covered log which had suddenly appeared nearby.  Pulling the bowl out of thin air she looked at the contents in mild distaste before proceeding to spoon it into her mouth.    
   
Sensing warm live flesh nearby the spider crawled out from behind the headstone and scurried over to the log.  Carefully it raised its front legs over the top of the log, pulling its large hairy body up to the surface.  Mercilessly fixing its large black emotionless eyes on the young girl eating it rushed forward.  Head raised it bared its ivory fangs, already dripping with venom as it readied to pounce.  
   
Buffy sighed and impaled the beast with her stake, she hit it with such force that the wooden shaft embedded itself into the rotten wood she was sitting on.  
   
 "Hey Buffs" called Xander as he approached where she was sitting, "what's up?" he asked not noticing the presence of the cat-sized spider next to her.  
   
Buffy watched him as he came forward and quirked an eyebrow when she espied the bulge in his pants, "is that a candlestick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" she asked.  
   
Xander frowned and pulled the candlestick out and placed it on the ground.  "It's just a candlestick."  
   
"Oh."  
   
"What's the matter Buffy, you almost sound disappointed."  He glanced at the candlestick before jumping over it.  
   
"In your dreams Harris," joked Buffy flinging the contents of her bowl at him.  
   
Xander ducked away and leered at her in return, "as always" he grinned moving out of reach.   
   
   
   
"That's it" shouted Dawn leaping out of her seat and stormed over to Anya, "That has got to be one of the most pointless rhymes ever," she pointed to the offending passage, "I mean what sort of idiot would even want to jump over a candle stick?"  
   
"Someone with a candle fetish?"  
   
Dawn frowned at her, "don't even have that thought", she snapped trying to read the pages upside down, "oh my God, there's another one," Dawn grabbed the book and proceeded to read out loud, "Little Jack Horner..."  
   
   
   
Xander walked into the corner of mausoleum muttering to himself, turning his back on Buffy he pulled something out in front of his chest, hiding it from her view.  
   
"What ya got?" pestered Buffy trying to peek around him.  
   
Xander looked darkly at her, "Nothing" he mumbled sullenly.  
   
"Yes you have, now show me," Buffy gabbed his shoulder and pulled him around in time to see him pull his thump out of a pie.  Grinning Xander held it up in triumph to show her the attached plum.  "You should seek professional help" Buffy shook her head in disappointment.  
   
Xander didn't say anything, just looked from Buffy to the pie and back again as a germ of an idea planted itself in his head and grew into a flowering forest.  
   
"No..." Buffy backed away when she saw his look, "don't even think about it... Xander I'm warning you" she started to sound desperate as he approached.  She shrieked as he shoved the pie into her face before running off.  "You..." Buffy shook the pasty out of her hair and gave chase.  
   
Xander stood waiting for her up the street, trying to look innocent.  Too focused on her objective Buffy failed to notice the large puddle beside him until it was too late.  With a wicked gleam in his eyes Xander stamped into the puddle and fell in.  
   
Buffy let loose a laugh as he plummeted to his waist, "Not funny" he said darkly looking up at her, "not funny at all" he repeated as she pulled him out.  
   
"Oh, but I beg to differ" giggled Buffy wiping the tears from her eyes.  
   
"Oh ha ha" he shook as much of the water off him as he could, not too subtly attempting to splash some onto Buffy, "you have a plum stuck to your forehead."  
   
   
   
"Serves him right" said Dawn, "he's a doctor, he should know better than to go out walking in the rain."  
   
"Any about animals?" asked Anya, "animals are fun, should have lots of flesh tearing with sharp claws and blood with those."  
   
"It's a children's book" Dawn said sarcastically, "they're all going to be fluffy and cutesy"  
   
"Cutesy?" Anya looked shocked, a look of fear momentarily crossed her face.  "Fluffy?" a shudder ran down her spine as Dawn flicked through the pages.  
   
   
   
Buffy pulled the offending fruit off her head and narrowed her eyes desperately searching for a suitable retort, hit by sudden inspiration she smiled and opened her mouth, "Baaa".  Eyes wide she clamped a hand over her mouth to stop the sound.  
   
Xander raised and eyebrow and grinned, "not so funny now eh?" he started to chuckle.  
   
"Baaa" Buffy stamped her foot in frustration as Xander continued to laugh at her predicament.  Frowning she narrowed her eyes and attempted to give him her death glare(tm) (patent pending).  
   
Xander backed off jokingly, raising his hands in mock surrender, "enough, I give up.  You might butt me or something" he doubled over in laughter.   "I guess you really are the black sheep of the family huh?" he gasped out catching his breath,  
   
"Baaa" Buffy bleated in frustration and flung her hands up in defeat before attacking him.    
   
"Ow," complained Xander dancing away, "not funny" he whined as she proceeded to kick him in the shins.  
   
Buffy smiled as she attacked, enjoying herself immensely.  He she noticed that they weren't having the same kind of impact that they used to, right now they were being muffled by Xander's dress.  Dress?  Buffy looked down at the long frilly dress that he was decked out in and whistled appreciatively.  
   
Xander blushed and started to pull the offending garment off when he stopped, peeking down the front he chuckled weakly when he saw that he was naked underneath.  "I think I'll er... keep it on"  
   
Buffy grinned at the chance for revenge, "Baaa."  
   
   
  
"That's sick" complained Dawn.  
   
"Huh?" Anya looked up from the passage, "Not sick really, these rhymes just seem to have a slight obsession with sheep that's all, although I didn't quite understand what bopeep was about."  
   
"That's all!!!" gasped Dawn, "Mary had a little lamb... H... A.... D... 'HAD'!!" she reiterated emphasizing the word, "little lambs grow up to become sheep which leads on to a life in the adult movie business and not always with people."  
   
"Oh," Anya's eyes glazed over momentarily before she smiled as the images conjured brought back happy memories of her past life.  
   
   
   
Xander found himself sitting at the top of a tall wall, swinging his legs idly over the edge he breathed deeply and enjoyed the view across the city.  
   
"Be careful up there" Buffy called up to him.  
   
"What?" he shouted back down.  
   
"I said be careful" she shouted back worriedly, "come back down before you get hurt."  
   
"I can't hear you" he said, unfortunately he leant out too far and slipped, "argh!" he screamed as the ground rapidly approached his plummeting form.  
   
"Oomph" grunted Buffy as she caught him in her arms, "when I said come down I didn't mean jump."  
   
"My hero" Xander said as he swooned in her arms.    
   
"Hold on, that's it" Xander freed himself from her grasp and stood up, "this is getting silly, I do not swoon," he started to pace, "I am a man, ergo I am unable swoon.  I grope," to prove his point he pulled Buffy to him and roughly kissed her, "see?" he said letting her go before she had a chance to respond.  
   
   
  
"Wonder who he was."  
   
"Who?"  
   
"Humpty" repeated Dawn, "who was he and why was he up that wall."  
   
"He wasn't a he, he was an it" answered Anya.  
   
 "But he's always drawn as that funny egg shaped guy."  
   
"Humpty Dumpty was a large cannon in England during the 17th century" recited Anya.  
   
"And you know this because..." prompted Dawn.  
   
Anya grinned, "I was there, I was always extra busy during wars, what with the raping and pillaging of the peasant women by the soldiers."  She sighed in fond remembrance; "those were the days."   
   
   
   
Buffy and Xander strolled up the small incline hand in hand, "I don't remember this well being here before" he said as he peered into its depths.  
   
Buffy leant against him as he stood there, "Hmmm" she replied not really paying much attention to what he was saying.  
   
"Thirsty?" he asked as he started to pull the buck back up.  He lost his balance as the extra weight of the heavy pail caused his feet to slip on the damp ground.  "Yoiks" he cried out as he started to fall backward down the hill.  
   
"Xander" Buffy dived to grab him and arrest his fall but missed and went tumbling down after him.  
   
"Xander, you ok?" Buffy asked, she was lucky to have such a soft landing.  
   
"Yeah" the voice came from underneath her.  
   
"Ooops" Buffy scrambled off him and helped him up, "you're hurt" she gasped when she saw the small cut on his forehead.  
   
Xander tenderly touched the wound and winced, "it's just a scratch" he protested.  
   
"It's bleeding" she said as she started to drag him home, "come on, I'll fix it up."  
   
   
   
Buffy and Xander stumbled into her house laughing and giggling together.  They immediately headed for the stairs.  
   
"Hey guys" called Dawn from the living room, "have a good time."  
   
Xander paused when he saw the book, "Anya," he said quietly, "please burn that book," he asked before running up the stairs to join Buffy.  
   
Dawn continued to stare at the space that he had occupied, "was he wearing a dress?" she asked.  
   
"Uhuh" Anya nodded in agreement, "it's just a phase he's going through, nothing to worry about... much."  
   
"Ah" Dawn said wisely.  
   
"Hey, this one looks interesting," she proceeded to read out the title. "Wee Willie Winkie, I wonder what that one's all about?"  
   
A scream of abject horror came from the upstairs bathroom.  
   
Anya shook her head and smiled softly, "nah, it can wait till later" she said before closing the book with finality.  "See ya later Dawny" she called as she left.    
   
And from upstairs came a soft "Woo-hoo." 


End file.
